There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We are all done wearing pants today
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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