I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
