fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
