A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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