3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
