I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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