Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
