..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
