dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
