I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
