If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
