I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
