he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
