FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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