i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
