I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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