he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
