He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
