I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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