i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
