Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
