I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
