i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
