It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
