I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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