I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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