I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
