I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
