No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
