My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
