He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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