I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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