I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
