you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
