This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
