My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
