And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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