I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
