apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
