no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
