The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wear drunk well.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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