I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize