if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
