I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
