You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
