I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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