You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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