Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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