just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize