I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize