I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
