i think my mom watched the whole time
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
