That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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