This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
