Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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