roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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