Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
