Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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