Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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