I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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