Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
